Useful Parenting Parameters for Parents Serious about Parenting

We all agree that parenting is stressful & exhausting. The thing is, when we meet other parents we
have to endure listening to how hard it is for them, with little concern for us. How can we be unquestionably certain that it is us, and not them, having a terrible time with those monsters that claim to be our offspring? 

I can help by providing absolute quantitative metrics for parenthood-derived stress, so that when we meet obnoxious parents at softplay or whatever, hard numbers and solid stats will speak for us. Here we go.

The Peppa Magnitude Scale measures the stress caused by watching several consecutive episodes of the same children's show. Three Peppa Pig episodes give a score of 3, and so on. Beware, the scale is exponential so a score of 8 is twice as stressful than 7, and 32 times worse than 3!

Scientists do not agree entirely on which shows qualify and the debate is still fierce. Sure hits are Peppa Pig, Teletubbies, Waybuloo, Baby Jake.

Mouthful Separation Surface (MSS) quantifies how much you had to chase your toddler at mealtime. It is the area of the smallest circle that encompasses all the food that is scattered on the floor at the end of a meal. Although the square foot is the internationally accepted standard unit, some parents find the square mile more handy.

Bathtime Stress Index (BSI): easily calculated, just multiply how long it takes for your kids to get into the bath from the moment you tell them (Tin) by how long it takes them to get out once they are clean (Tout), measured in minutes. 

Let's say they go straight in (Tin = 0) and then they spend 10 minutes playing (Tout = 10).

BSI = Tin x Tout =  0 x 10 = 0. You had it easy.

If it takes 15 minutes to get in (Tin = 15), and then they play for 20 minutes (Tout = 20) then BSI = 300. Not easy at all.

Doze Score: Another easy one, just count how many times you fall asleep - and suddenly wake up - before your children.

Crumpled Tissues Density (CTD): Useful parameter that allows direct comparisons between different houses, e.g. a one bedroom flat vs. a country mansion. It's the number of dirty tissues scattered on the floor per square foot. Easy peasy.

F-distance and S-distance measure how much you swear in front of your children. Of course none of us ever dreams of openly saying f**k and s**t. The clever thing is, F- and S-distance accurately quantify how close you get to actually using the f- and s-word, by counting the substitutions required to turn whatever you say into f**k and s**t. The closer to 0, the worse it is.

"Where the HEck are your shoes darling" and "shEESH what a mess!" have F- and S-distance of 2 and 4 respectively. Sadly, F- and S-distance cannot go into the negative.

There you are. The next time you meet a fellow parent and you want to swap notes, nothing better than some hard numbers and a scientifically accurate conversation:

- During the afternoon we reached 14 on the Peppa Scale...

- Goodness!

- At tea MSS was 0.25 sqm.

- Not too bad...

- BSI was about 200.

- Oh dear.

- Then I gave up.

- Doze Score?

- ehm... Twelve. But that's nothing. I went downstairs, CTD was 25, maybe 26. I lost it.

- Zero F-distance?

- Yes. And S-distance too.